Am I Lonely and Depressed or Just Going Cuckoo at Stress?
So. It has been a while. My dad is still alive. Not doing the best honestly. We managed to transferred him out to a public hospital which helped significantly with the financial strain. We ended up with a mid 6 figure bill that we are still figuring out. He is still intubated, he couldn't breath very well on his own and they are scheduling him in for a tracheostomy. They are gonna cut a hole in the front of his neck basically. So yeah. He is still extremely weak. I don't know. My mother is tired emotionally and probably lowkey lonely without my dad. They've been married for more than 40 years.
A million thoughts have went through my head since the last time I posted. I am carrying a secret that I so badly want to talk to someone about but I am just so worried about being judged and losing friends over it. I don't mean to vaguepost or empathy-fish here but it really is just that important to me that I cannot even tell faceless strangers if there is a minuscule chance it will come back to me.
Some days I sit in my living room, lonely and bored. Bored because nothing I loved hold my interest anymore. I've become quite indifferent to things that used to spark joy and apathetic to my husband. I know I love my husband still, I just am finding it so hard to connect to him emotionally in this period. Sometimes I find myself telling myself oh it's just one of the depressive episodes. It's a bit harder this time, should I finally consider going on medication? I don't know. I want to sit and look out the windows, I want to cry, I want to drink water and I want to not do anything or feel.
Is this stress? It is a fairly stressful period at work and home. I've been turning to exercises to destress and they do provide quite immediate relief but unfortunately does not stop me from spiralling after. Which is insane because exercises have always helped. I am worried about myself because I feel like I've began to entertain thoughts of highly unhealthy behaviours as coping mechanism. I just want to feel like my life is mine and that there is a life. I don't know.
It's hard being an adult.