Freedom to Be
I grew up with Multiply, Xanga, Blogspot, and Wretch etc. I loved blogging. It was my way to be seen and heard. It was a platform for me to showcase my artistic flair. It was an outlet for me to be passive aggressive about whatever that was bothering me at that point of time. It was a way for me to channel my emo self to the wider social circle. I loved writing so much.
Then I stopped. I started to keep a physical journal with me. Mainly to document my day-to-day. I'd like to think that I was doing bullet journalling unknowingly. I started from the annual Starbucks journal to Moleskine Weekly Planner. I loved having my own thought space. I loved the act of writing down what happened. I'll have issues reading entries because I hated being reminded of sad or embarrassing times.
Then that stopped too. I got an Instagram account. A photo paired with super long captions was the way to go. Everyone had an account. They'll be forced to look at my entries. They'll see how artistic I am there. My captions were paragraphs long which was really unconventional. People called me pretentious. I didn't care, until I did. I didn't want to air my personal thoughts to everyone because people started taking my posts to ask my then-boyfriend what happened. He hated that because to him personal life are (duh) personal. I agreed. I didn't write them because I wanted people to fight for me. I wrote them because I wanted an outlet. People would not stop and I guess it is very alike in that sense as when I rant to a real life person. People would not stop trying to fix me. I didn't ask to be fix. I asked to be heard. No matter what I said, people would not stop trying to fix problems that aren't theirs. It became a fair game because the argument here is if you don't want opinions, don't present it in a 'public' space.
Fine.
So I stopped. Then the vlogging era came. Now everyone has a YouTube channel or a podcast. I wanted to get into it but the idea of striving for perfection, seeing myself on screen and actually having to plan content just did not work out for me. I was a combination of scared and lazy. Throughout the years I tried to get back to blogging but I kept wanting perfection. The perfect website. The perfect platform. The perfect combination of being anonymous and out there. Nothing lasted beyond 3 posts. At one point I gave up. I've also kept physical journals that did not last beyond 3 weeks. I just couldn't get into the habit again.
One day my friend told me about Bear Blog and voila here I am. Minimal graphics. Minimal setup. Just get your thoughts out there and write. I am hoping this will work. I am hoping this will give me back the free to be who I am. Without having to perform any role for any audience. I mean, I am of the camp that we will always be performing to a certain extent but it will definitely help if I can be less performative.
Here is to trying, again.