Grieving a Father
My dad is still alive but I fear everything has changed. I will never have my loud and very political incorrect dad back. I will never see him sheepishly hint to me about wanting to travel. I will never see him walking excitedly to check out a buffet line anymore.
We are back in my childhood home where everything felt strangely foreign and familiar at the same time. I felt like I am towering over everything despite me barely reaching 160cm. The table we are using as a makeshift workspace has tons of random things on it. Medical records, medications, wet wipes, biscuit tins (that contain everything except biscuits), you get the picture. Half of them things my dad will not allow my mum to throw. Shoutout to the tabletop calendar from 2021.
My dad is back in the ICU, awake and suffering. Asking to go home. Asking to leave. Almost begging. We've never seen my dad cried. Not me. No my siblings. No his siblings. Not my mom. He bawled. Softly. You can't hear him cry but he is bawling. I started crying with him. I told him as soon as he recovered we'll go back home. I don't know when is soon. His condition will not improve. The costs are mounting. It's costing more than a house now. A million thoughts run through my head. My dad bawling is seared into my memories.
It has been a month since my dad was first hospitalised for a suspected kidney stone. It wasn't and it's a very long story but since then he has been in and out of ICU. I think 70% of his time in the hospital is spent in the ICU.
I wish I could open my eyes to a healthy dad. I wish I could open my eyes to paid bills. I wish I could open my eyes to a worry free mom. I wish I could take all these away. Some days I spent wishing my dad would've made much better choices in his youth. Some days I spent blaming myself for not making more money to make this a non-problem. Some days I spent just being suspended in time there.
Most of the days I am just so aware of the fact that the world is moving. Unbothered by the fact that my dad is dying horribly and his family is worried sick about him and bills. The world laughed at Duolingo and iPhone Duo. Then about the Hyrox athlete that shat herself while competing (insane btw and very gross). Are we still angry about the war? Very. Are we still angry about AI usage taking away water? Yes. Millions of people have their life upended every single day and all of us signed this unknown pact continuing on being a cog in this big machine because all of us is hopelessly wishing for our normal life to remain normal and the only way we can pretend it is is by going on, business as usual.
So while I fire of another email telling people about renewing their contract I grieve for my once healthy and very obnoxious dad in between lines.
I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you and mom.