I'll Be Glad If My Dad Die?
It has been a while. Anyway. My dad is still alive.
His intestine ruptured about 2 weeks ago and we've been thrown into a chaotic mental torture chamber since then. Mostly my mother, she is the one spending all her time with him in the hospital while recovering from a surgery herself. Me and my siblings are not in the same country. We flew back of course but we couldn't be with them indefinitely so now we are resigned to worrying about the situation from afar.
I've been going through a lot of emotions but I realised I am just filled with this anger and frustration at my dad and the situation he puts us in. There is a lot of context, backstory and nuances that I will not be able to sufficiently capture here. I have resigned to being think of as a terrible monster by strangers reading my words or hearing me rant about him.
At one point I was asking his doctor what happens if we just all decide not to have him undergo treatment anymore. The doctor looked at me like I am a murderer (in his head I must be) and told me he will basically go from maybe surviving this to dying. Immediately. To be fair that's all my dad has been asking the past one week at that point. He hated us for putting him through this, he hated everyone in the hospital, he hated what he is going through and he hate being in this state. We are basically scum of the Earth for trying to save him.
My mum and dad has been married for a little more than 40 years.
My dad is your stereotypical chauvinistic traditional Chinese patriarch. He was an okay dad for sure. He loves us for sure. He has his flaws, like all of us, for sure. We have a good enough relationship now, I'll like to think we've put a lot of things behind us as we grew up. Some days I am reminded of the fact that I've never truly gotten over resenting him. I just learnt to deal with it because we are all terrible human beings who in our own ways love each other too.
I resent him for putting his own needs above everyone's else. I resent him for putting my mom through this. I resent him for never thinking about how his actions would affect others. I resent him for sacrificing my mother and never putting her as a priority.
I am just fill with so much anger, resentment and guilt. I find myself hoping he'll just die. Maybe then it will be easier for everyone. Maybe then I won't hate myself and him.