Is My Life a Mess?
I keep feeling like my life is a big mess. I am going nowhere with my career. I am obese. I am lazy. All I do is get more stuff in hopes of those stuff filling in the void. Why do I have so much STUFF?
I feel like I am living a lie. Everyday is a balance of trying to let myself be me, be comfortable, be better, be perfect, be good, be free, be okay. I kept wanting to do other things (wanting is the key word here) like crafting, reading, creating a creative outlet for myself but I kept stopping myself because things needed to be perfect from the get go. I had to at least start with a great plan otherwise why fucking bother.
I won't stop victimising myself and I remember so clearly at one point I was arguing with my husband because of weight related issues, mainly me saying I am trying my best he wouldn't understand it really is much harder than just eating less. He snapped and said that all I've ever done was sit and blame everything except take control of the situation. Altho is he still very wrong (I mean...) that really stuck with me.
One of the issues I discussed with my therapist is that in my head there is just this 2 trains of conflicting thoughts and (1) woe is me life is really hard and I really need support while (2) is not letting myself let loose even a little because I suck and I am just not taking ownership of problem and this is why I am having all these problems.
At this point you'll realise that I have a very conflicting and messy mind. I hate it too. I don't understand myself. I don't truly know but I am trying to find myself. Bit by bit.