Maybe I Should Talk to Someone
All my life, I thought that I had bipolar because I am such an experienced armchair professional with enough authority to diagnose myself. Also I was young, emo and completed some online checklist 20 years ago. Then I bucked up last year and decided to see someone legit so this person can tell me what is wrong with me. Funnily enough she told me I had dysthymia. It's persistent depressive disorder.
I started seeing a therapist in hopes that I can learn to manage my brain better. I didn't stay long enough to do that but I learnt a lot about why I cope the way I do. I stopped seeing her. I think it was a combination of fear and laziness. Also this idea that we are doing better so let's stop whatever that was making us better at the first place.
I am still depressed. The way it hits is just so quiet I wouldn't even know I was in a mood until I had the time to think about it.
It started from not finding joy in what I used to. Then evaluating seen messages as affirmation that nobody likes me. Then letting this feeling in my heart spiral. Like now.
I fear I've been too dependent on external stimuli to cope. I always need someone to reaffirm my feelings. I need to read something to keep my mind occupied. I need to do something to keep me moving. Anything but leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I don't know if the solution is finding more friends to talk to. Or actually talking to a professional. Or maybe fixing my life. I don't know.