What is Normal?
I don't know.
I used to (still do actually) think, my life is normal. Sometimes people look really horrified when I give them the rundown on what's happening. Sometimes people think I lead a very blessed life. I think I live an average life. We are just brainwashed into thinking that normalcy is this bright bubbly happy life. I know you can already picture a bright airy home with happy people smiling. Unfortunately what people are not willing to admit is that a normal life is just filled with ups and down. Sometimes the the down will not stop. Sometimes the up kept going higher and higher. The extremes you are put through, that is normal.
To live is to suffer. To be so happy and full of joy that you fully felt every single little thing that is taken away from you. Torn by time and external circumstances. To live is to feel everything and still survive. You are not sure how but you did it and that is a life lived.
I am so functional I worry that I am only one stressor away from making questionable choices. I am so so so so so functional. I work. I gym. I eat. I walk my dog. I laugh at funny things. I doomscroll. Sometimes I think about things I want to confide about and I get sad. The other day I went for a drink at about 4pm (I think) and the bartenders will not stop asking me if everything is alright. I don't think I looked upset I just have RBF. I had to leave after one drink because I felt like I had to be 'okay' to get them off my back.
Many years ago, I would go to this dingy (but very popular) bar near the central business district and start drinking at 6pm. Some days I walked out fine, some days I walked out praying that I won't vomit in the cab. I think I am just in the phase of my life where I have to do this again just to have some time alone to think or not think, I don't know.
I no longer know how to answer when people asked me how are things.